from the depth of the deepest oceans comes the most precious jewel: aSOUL PEARL

God breaks the heart again and again and again until it stays open.-HAZRAT INAYAT KHAN

Depression broke me open like a massive glacier freezing over two oceans separating all with its valleys so deep. Un-describable painful, unstoppable, it left me frozen inside and detached. Never anticipated, not a single weather warning or caution flag posted. It took me down along with its below freezing temperatures. You see, it won the match before I even knew I was one of its component. Feeling quite insignificant, and Soul struck; its force of nature drug me down to the depth of the deepest oceans.

It was all I could do to survive its below zero temperatures or by being changed by this world. But instead of fighting; I let go.....of everything, including all that I once knew of the person inside. Mark Nepo describes a time he too was "Stripped of causes and plans and things to strive for" and goes on to say how he, "discovered that everything I could need or ask for is right here-in flawed abundance". So too have I seen this tiny ray of light from the ocean floor. What I found to remain, little to nothing. How quite liberating letting go of all ownership and titles and releasing possessions that never belonged to me to start with. For the first time in my life I truly "let go, and was willing to let god". option 2: let hell freeze over...I choose God 

For when nothing remains, when all was lost....so too, all was to be gained......My efforts turned from trying to outrun suffering to trying to express it, from trying to achieve joy to trying to feel it, in every moment. And from trying to shape change or better the lives of my loved ones to accepting love wherever it may be, how ever it may be, without moving to fix it or correct its appearance. I came to accept the jewel and grit of this and every moment. Raw and unpolished like a pearl washed along shore. It was a battle neither won nor lost. I chose to forfeit and since the moment I chose to surrender, my world has never been the same. 

There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. Accept this, we can do everything and go anywhere. 

....so with just a speck of hope and a dash of courage left inside I gave it to the one who is higher than I. I let go and let god.....Like a dandelion effortlessly picked up by a spring breeze and sent into the direction of Gods choosing.... I hopefully said a prayer and blew my dandelion towards the heavenly skies. And I waited-- and waited. --and remained eagerly still. 

We are asked to believe that life in all its every changing constantly-moving forward motion and complexities, is complete as is--that nothing is needed, that nothing is missing. So here I was, waiting, still, feeling lost at sea. Fear of insignificance and a quite impressive resume of failures began to tell a story about a girl the world might never have needed, it became quite possible after all, that life could go on with or without me just fine. 

And just when I felt this little light begin to burn out, my Father, my heavenly king bent down and kissed me! Blessing my life with His glory and with the most beautiful treasure the world would come to know or see. Again, unscripted, unplanned...unexpected... I was pregnant. It was the burning down the wick to one light that lead to the most beautiful burst of flame ignited by the heavenly king himself.

the beginning of her life renewed my soul & spirit, she was the light on my path that lead my beloved and to His love. 

I've come to terms with the idea that the world will continue blazing long after I depart. Accepting this, has put down the burden of longing to be set apart from everyone, the hero. Simply, I want to concentrate on absorbing the journey of being alive. This life, right now before me given to me, a gift of motherhood, sisterhood, I am a daughter, a friend and Ben's love. And the most important of all the one thing I know for sure, the world will continue on but there will never be another mumma to a heavenly sent angel named Lilly Kate and that's all I need to ever be. 

And so I will let the world continue to pass on by....and as the world turns and the clock keeps ticking I vow daily to expect to witness in wonder His miracles... oh how I pray He continue to show me his glory displaying his masterpieces of art; forever changing horizons and pearls of wisdom stitched from the womb of the depth of his very own oceans so blue.

Thus, our work is not to eliminate or re-create anything...ultimately we are small living things awakened in the stream, not gods who carve out rivers. ....We cannot eliminate loneliness, be we can hold each other. We cannot eliminate pain, but we can live a life of compassion. -M. Nepo